I was struggling to take a nap earlier today, and I'm not gonna lie I'm not much of a napper: I can only actually nap like 10% of the times that I try, also because when I can, I end up sleeping way more than I should've, waking up sweaty, hungry, bad bad headache. But yeah, naps aren't for me, unless it's one of those days like today where I had such a tiring day at university, my head has been killing me the whole day, and all I want to do is just collapse in my bed, maybe stuff my face with carbs beforehand and ignore all my responsibilities and due tasks. All this willingly knowing that I am already regretting it just at the thought of it. Honestly, that might just be one of the reasons why I can't fall asleep, but at the same time I'm the type of person who requires the lights off and absolute silence to rest. This is exactly where I fall in this paradox I want to talk about: I'm too tired to do any work, but I know that once I start I'll get the hang of it and finish all my duties, but at the same time if I leave it till later and start doing something else, I know that I will feel the guilt inside of me forever; and at the same time I'm not the sort of person who enjoys doing nothing. So the dilemma is: do I do my work and feel shit while I'm doing it and feel even worse after I'm done, or do I procrastinate while I feel like a piece of shit myself for not doing my due diligence??? Because sitting on my ass or napping are not on the table...

Yeah I know, you might consider me an indecisive fucker who should just get a grip, but if you actually know me already, you already know that I am lmao. Guess what I did today then, I just got up after feeling destroyed and did my uni work, let's be real, it was worth it given that I'm not planning to fail my course, but also the way I think about it is that the sooner I do it, the sooner the weight is off my shoulders...or maybe not given that I study physics and the workload is insane; but I'm not here to talk about my major, some people might tell me that maybe I should organise myself, keep an agenda, keep some reminders or some fuckery. I did consider that many times, I do indeed have a diary in which I remind myself of tasks and shit, but guess what: I always just forget about it. Other than having a horrible short-term memory, I'm not a huge fan of strict organisation as well: what I mean by this is that I can't really see a way in which I can project my mind into something concrete which can help me be more efficient, I don't like sticking with one particular way to do things, and I think I just don't like getting told how to do things, even if I tell myself those things lol. I even had a "memory book" where I would just jot down random stuff and to be honest it kinda worked as a reminder and stuff, but again after a week of using it I forgot I had it...

At the end of the day, I always try to keep everything in my brain, and it most of the times it actually works, instead of worrying about writing it down somewhere I will definitely not check. The paradox still holds by any means: I got important stuff to do, I will feel tired doing it so I consider not doing it, whilst not doing what I should I feel guilty as I'm not even enjoying taking care of my responsibilities, but again we come back to square one where I have stuff to do. Great. But I swear I am trying to improve the way I manage all this, might be procrastinating that as well, but I guess it's inevitable at this point lmao. Maybe I give myself an incentive to stay organised, that would probably help, maybe I just need to figure out a way to keep myself "motivated" to improve my habits and shit, because I'm sure that it's just gonna get worse as I keep going in university, so better now than ever; famous last words.

Gotta wrap this up, sorry if it was so long, but y'know I feel like it's a very important topic to talk about, because I'm sure that I'm not the only one experiencing this kind of problem. Also, I cannot make promises, I actually have no idea what I'm gonna talk about in the next ones but don't set any expectations on length XD. Hope you enjoyed.

Good bai for now, poposwag.